Humility

 This is a poem of hope. I wrote it one night as I sat before a nativity scene and was struck by my insane amount of pride. I begged to be simple, I begged to have my pride ripped apart so I could be free. And this is what I wrote:

Castle of straw so proudly built,

Work of rotting hand.

Fort of mortals, sheath of bones,

Built upon the sand.

Bar by bar, each hopefully snatched,

Blindly seen as gold,

Now revealed as cruelest steel

By choice was each one mold.

Numb I sit in self-made cage

Lost in easy pain.

Still I write my hope and life,

Blood scrawled across the page:

Rip me to shreds, I beg, I plead

Scourge this frozen corpse

Tear my heart and make me bleed

Shake me by Your force.

Make me small, a sliver of me

So I may freely slip

‘Twixt these bars that cage me here

Into Your loving grip.

solitude&prayer

"The whole value of solitude depends on one's self; it may be a sanctuary or a prison, a haven of repose or a place of punishment, a heaven or a hell, as we ourselves make it."

- John Lubbock -

 "Prayer reveals to the soul the vanity of earthly goods and pleasures. It fills them with light, strength and consolation; and gives them a foretaste of the calm bliss of our heavenly home."

- St. Rose of Viterbo -

I wandered around campus today and found a nice little spot behind the softball field overlooking the highway and the river. I sat down with back and head resting against the metal fence and let my music and the scenery flood my senses. As I pulled out my iPod to switch songs, I saw that it was 3:00. I pulled out my ear buds, put my iPod away, unwrapped my rosary from around my wrist and prayed a divine mercy chaplet. Solitude and prayer, peace and rest. What a perfect escape.

mini retreat

"JK I'll be there in half an hour"
Great. I was already to the JC (our student center) and didn't want to walk back to my dorm across campus just to immediately turn around and come back so I took a left and went to over the Port area. I was planning on going to my usual spot in front of the nativity scene but for some reason I decided to walk a little farther to the stations of the cross. Following the signs with the arrow pointing down the hill "First Station" I walked down the well-worn wooden steps built into the side of the hill. 

I walked. The warm autumn air picked up leaves to dance before me, around me, behind me -- I was walking away from the place of academic buildings and dorms and in to a place of retreat encircled by leaves of brilliant red and yellow. The fallen leaves left space between the trees for the outside world of roads and zooming cars to break through. It did not detract from the serenity of the place but provided comforting contrast -- a place of simplicity and beauty versus the hectic world of industry. I was in a safe place.

Reaching the first station I stopped and took in the image of our Lord being condemned to death.  I was struck again by the individual-ness and personality of it all. It is so easy for me to think "He died for us" but "He died for me"? Me, Liz Knab, the individual? Me? Really? Dang. 
I spend so much time thinking of how to lead others to Good. How to help them reach Him, what arguments could be made, and how to truly, truly love and care for others. I spend so much time worrying about the problem of conversion and praying for others' conversion that I begin to neglect my own relationship with Him. Staring at the image of Him I thought, "I want You for me." and it took me a second to tell myself that it was okay to think that, that I'm not being selfish. Yes, conversion is brilliant and must be done, but how could I ever do it effectively if I don't know Who I'm leading them to? 
I continued to walk the stations, winding my way back up the hill, and sat down in front of the image of Jesus comforting the women (how fitting, I thought) 

I just sat, soaked up the beauty of it all and relaxed.  It was a place of stillness and I was so incredibly grateful. 

humility.

Why do I so often shun hate a lovely expression of my God because it is shown through another person? Lord, please teach me to be humble.

Tonight, a girl from down my hall was in my room singing a song she just wrote. It was gorgeous. She is gorgeous. But my first reaction was to shut it out because of silly ol' envy. Sitting against my door with arms draped across my knees, I watched her and checked myself. I took a breath and actually listened to the words she sung and let myself appreciate the beauty of it all. Her words moved me to prayer and a realization about something I had been struggling with.
Pride does nothing to further our talents, gifts, or lives -- it only keeps us from enjoying the beauty of the variety of expressions of our amazing God. So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the goodness. 

just a comma

"It reads, "And death shall be no more" comma "death, thou shalt die." Nothing but a breath, a comma, separates life from life everlasting. Very simple, really. With the original punctuation restored, Death is no longer something to act out on a stage with exclamation marks. It is a comma. A pause. In this way, the uncompromising way, one learns something from the poem, wouldn't you say? Life, death, soul, God, past, present. Not insuperable barriers. Not semi-colons. Just a comma."

vulnerability&humility

When I keep getting over-stressed, feeling inadequate or angry at myself for all my many, many screw ups and failures, I have to step back, breathe and take the focus off myself. Instead of "I'm sorry I am so weak and am such a failure." I need to acknowledge the weakness in myself and ask for more of Him. Just as praise should be redirected towards Him for the good I do, so should the focus be on Him to fill my weakness. Perpetually beating myself up for my weakness -- proudly claiming I'll fix it on my own -- and not asking for help, will only lead to continual failure. 
The root of my problems can be similarly dealt with. Instead of asking for the love or attention of others, I should ask for the grace to be truly humble -- to be delivered from the desire of being loved and to be content in who and what He gives me. 
Pride is such a sneaky little thing. I am so easily tricked into thinking that I'm being humble when it is really a blinding flare of pride. Keeping my problems inside to the point of self destruction, trying to do things on my own, low-self esteem and the like so often seem to be done from a place of humility but so often it is masked pride. 
A deep vulnerability, methinks, is necessary for true humility. It is probably one of the hardest things to do in this life but we have been given the most incredible, moving, brilliant example in Our Lord as a tiny child. The King of kings Who became the lowest of the low, loving with reckless abandon and keeping nothing for Himself. 
Most beloved Infant, have mercy on us and teach us true humility.

wildflower

...they neither work nor spin but not even Solomon in all of his splendor was clothed as gloriously one of these.

And are you not of more import than a flower? He is taking care. Be close to Him. 

Any glory gained without Him will be nothing in comparison with what He can work through you.