HERE'S MY OPEN HEART.

I was sitting in an academic building trying to study. But I -- the ever distracted -- started reading one of my old journals. The thoughts of my younger self triggered a spiral of sadness, anger, self-pity, the usual. So I got up, left the building, and walked to the Port to pray. Arriving at the Port and finding it locked I went to CTK (the main chapel) to pray. What do I find there? Confession. Confession! The thing I've been trying to do/avoiding for the past....long while. I tried to pull the ol "oh, I didn't know it was there! What confession line? Huh?" and walk right past. But then I mentally slapped myself and slunk into line. I saw the line wasn't too long so I quickly started scribbling away a list of my sins, being as harsh as I could. Soon enough it was my turn and shakily I walked in to the confessional and began. 
After listing a few things the priest stopped me, "You have depression, don't you." "Haha... yes." Was my reply. He started asking me what things I did to cheer myself up. I told him, he approved. I continued with my confession and after starting yet another thing "I don't push myself enough to..." he stopped me again. He told me I need to stop holding myself to such high standards, that I have depression, that "It's not your job to hold yourself together and fix yourself. It's God's." *Cue tears.*
He ended confession with a cute little "Only listen to joyful music! Don't listen to anymore Blues." =) sweetheart. I thanked him, scurried back to a pew, and immediately threw my head down into my arms. *Cue more tears.* The priest was telling me I have to allow God to "fight for me" to "win my battles". This is so, so hard for me. I always feel the need to earn love from everybody and I get so uncomfortable not earning what is given to me. The concept of God saying "Here. Rest. Let me fight for you." crushed my heart and blew my mind. These are things I "know" but always brush off. To have a priest tell me I was being to hard on myself was a huge shock.  I know it's from pride that I "need" to be the strong one who isn't rescued. I know my sin and so can't comprehend being pampered or fought for by the One to whom I already owe so much. I struggle to accept unearned love, but what other kind is there?
I have a cheesy little metaphor. Imagine a guy going into the gym to do some bench presses. Now, this dude thinks he's just the best thing ever, so he brushes off any offer for a spotter. Pridefully he adds more and more weight ever shouting down offers of help from other and eventually -- to make the metaphor complete -- he puts on more weight than he can lift and down comes the weighted bar and crushes him. Big mess, lots of pain, and a pretty stupid way to die. Just so, I get so prideful and desirous of being strong that I add on more, and more, until I simply cannot do it anymore.
My worth is not mine to determine. It is. God is not mine do deem protector, He is. As much as I cringe at saying "You are my protector" it is truth. And all I can do is neglect it to my downfall or accept what is. 

As I write this everything with in my screams "spoiled! spoiled! spoiled brat! You think you can claim to be loved and protected?" God is pure goodness. Pure goodness desires others to delight in it. He wants us to delight in Him. And that requires accepting truths about who He is and His relation to us.

luke 18:1

It's often in my times of neglecting my relationship with Christ that I feel His pull most. As I have mentioned on this blog many times, I have a lot of dry prayer, and I struggle with feeling numb in general. When I'm having a particularly rough, numb day, I'll briskly walk past the chapel on my way back to my dorm room. The quiet nagging in my head and heart tells me that I really should go to Him but No, I can't begin to open my heart to anybody right now I'll rebuff. I say I don't care about myself enough to do the one thing I know will help me. I say He doesn't need me, it's for my betterment, so I won't do it. Later. Whatever. But as I lay in bed having neglected my night prayers I am scared -- I know I am in no condition to die right now.

       Today was the peak of a particularly irritating week. All day long I couldn't wait to just slink back to my room, curl up in my bed, and sleep. I had to stay awake for room checks so I opened the window and pushed back the curtains to enjoy the rainy, cool day, pulled up YouTube, drank my coffee, then brewed some green tea.

       Sitting there I realized the pull on my heart to be with Him. To speak with Him. And then I realized again how entirely selfless God's love is. He doesn't need my love or attention for His own benefit, it is all for mine. But in bettering myself I am fulfilling my purpose and glorifying Him. I neglect Him because I lack motivation to take care of myself, but to do so is to be horribly ungrateful for the life He has bestowed. As much as I neglect Him, He comforts me through the little things of tea and rain and pulls at my heart to be with Him. He says "It's okay, come back to Me now." He places the pull on my heart to come back. For me. For Him. For goodness. 

       No matter how frustrating and awful life can get, it is good. There is purpose. It is worth it. God has so much splendor and sweetness in store to those who stay near Him and find their place & purpose in Him. Job, family, money, and the rest will fall into place. And He will never stop pulling at your heart.

Central Park.

This photo was taken in Central park for the blog Humans of New York. 

Absolutely gorgeous.

Imagine if it was socially acceptable for any person of any faith to openly express it in such an unashamed way? Imagine walking though Central Park; a Catholic sitting on a bench praying a rosary, a Muslim bowed in prayer, Christians with hands outstretched praying over people, a Jew with an open, tattered prayer book whispering the prayers under his breath, people sitting criss-cross in the grass meditating, and none of these people the target of a sneering smile or a judgmental glare. People taking advantage of a beautiful setting and exercising their intrinsic human ability so search for (and try to connect to) something higher, something immaterial and eternal. 

Beautiful.