luke 18:1

It's often in my times of neglecting my relationship with Christ that I feel His pull most. As I have mentioned on this blog many times, I have a lot of dry prayer, and I struggle with feeling numb in general. When I'm having a particularly rough, numb day, I'll briskly walk past the chapel on my way back to my dorm room. The quiet nagging in my head and heart tells me that I really should go to Him but No, I can't begin to open my heart to anybody right now I'll rebuff. I say I don't care about myself enough to do the one thing I know will help me. I say He doesn't need me, it's for my betterment, so I won't do it. Later. Whatever. But as I lay in bed having neglected my night prayers I am scared -- I know I am in no condition to die right now.

       Today was the peak of a particularly irritating week. All day long I couldn't wait to just slink back to my room, curl up in my bed, and sleep. I had to stay awake for room checks so I opened the window and pushed back the curtains to enjoy the rainy, cool day, pulled up YouTube, drank my coffee, then brewed some green tea.

       Sitting there I realized the pull on my heart to be with Him. To speak with Him. And then I realized again how entirely selfless God's love is. He doesn't need my love or attention for His own benefit, it is all for mine. But in bettering myself I am fulfilling my purpose and glorifying Him. I neglect Him because I lack motivation to take care of myself, but to do so is to be horribly ungrateful for the life He has bestowed. As much as I neglect Him, He comforts me through the little things of tea and rain and pulls at my heart to be with Him. He says "It's okay, come back to Me now." He places the pull on my heart to come back. For me. For Him. For goodness. 

       No matter how frustrating and awful life can get, it is good. There is purpose. It is worth it. God has so much splendor and sweetness in store to those who stay near Him and find their place & purpose in Him. Job, family, money, and the rest will fall into place. And He will never stop pulling at your heart.