mini retreat

"JK I'll be there in half an hour"
Great. I was already to the JC (our student center) and didn't want to walk back to my dorm across campus just to immediately turn around and come back so I took a left and went to over the Port area. I was planning on going to my usual spot in front of the nativity scene but for some reason I decided to walk a little farther to the stations of the cross. Following the signs with the arrow pointing down the hill "First Station" I walked down the well-worn wooden steps built into the side of the hill. 

I walked. The warm autumn air picked up leaves to dance before me, around me, behind me -- I was walking away from the place of academic buildings and dorms and in to a place of retreat encircled by leaves of brilliant red and yellow. The fallen leaves left space between the trees for the outside world of roads and zooming cars to break through. It did not detract from the serenity of the place but provided comforting contrast -- a place of simplicity and beauty versus the hectic world of industry. I was in a safe place.

Reaching the first station I stopped and took in the image of our Lord being condemned to death.  I was struck again by the individual-ness and personality of it all. It is so easy for me to think "He died for us" but "He died for me"? Me, Liz Knab, the individual? Me? Really? Dang. 
I spend so much time thinking of how to lead others to Good. How to help them reach Him, what arguments could be made, and how to truly, truly love and care for others. I spend so much time worrying about the problem of conversion and praying for others' conversion that I begin to neglect my own relationship with Him. Staring at the image of Him I thought, "I want You for me." and it took me a second to tell myself that it was okay to think that, that I'm not being selfish. Yes, conversion is brilliant and must be done, but how could I ever do it effectively if I don't know Who I'm leading them to? 
I continued to walk the stations, winding my way back up the hill, and sat down in front of the image of Jesus comforting the women (how fitting, I thought) 

I just sat, soaked up the beauty of it all and relaxed.  It was a place of stillness and I was so incredibly grateful.