random. humility. envy. trial. tea.

As I sit here after a late night Holy Hour (that felt more like a "holy ten minutes"), sipping on some tea, and playing some relaxing music, I thought I'd just write a little blurb here -- not exactly sure on what yet but I wanted to write so... here it goes!

The other day I was at Mass and I came to a deeper understanding of humility and how to apply it to my life. I'm sure every one is well aware of the C.S Lewis quote "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." and so was I, but I had never learned to apply it to my life. It is so easy to equate humility with low self esteem (which -- o trust me -- I have plenty of) but as Lewis noted, it is not the case. I was praying after Mass and I noticed how much I was saying "I" or "me". I don't know about you, but when I go to Mass or to pray I often just am throwing myself down trying to gain life; like I am solar powered and He is the sun :P Anyway, this was the fourth day in a row of heightened depressed/suicidal thoughts and I was just so tired. I was venting, complaining, questioning, just trying to find Him and so the will to live, but He pushed me and taught me a new lesson about humility. I realized I was rambling off "I am just so tired.. so lost.. I don't know what to do.. I, I, I..." I stopped myself. "No" I thought "YOU. You are glorious, You are all-powerful, You are pure goodness." What better way to bring light to my mood than to change my focus from me and my brokenness to Him and His glory. By focusing on Him I am lifted, my mind is raised to focus on Someone higher, greater, astounding. 
This also applies to something else that has plagued me for my entire life: envy and jealousy. I am really trying to praise Him instead of bashing myself. That person over there is brilliant and beautiful? Thank You! That person is reflecting You. Why do I have to bring myself into it? I need to focus on You, not me.
On a random end note, trial is such a beautiful thing. I am so happy, so grateful, that He has given me challenges and struggles. Dry prayer, for example, has pushed me to pray even when I feel absolutely empty and so find Him in my reason, not just my feelings. Depressed/suicidal thoughts makes me really deeply question life, its purpose, my purpose, and the reason for staying alive. Life is hard, life is crazy, but in the end it is all worth it. He will remain victorious, pain will pass, only perfection will reign and the battle will be soon forgotten.