random. humility. envy. trial. tea.

As I sit here after a late night Holy Hour (that felt more like a "holy ten minutes"), sipping on some tea, and playing some relaxing music, I thought I'd just write a little blurb here -- not exactly sure on what yet but I wanted to write so... here it goes!

The other day I was at Mass and I came to a deeper understanding of humility and how to apply it to my life. I'm sure every one is well aware of the C.S Lewis quote "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." and so was I, but I had never learned to apply it to my life. It is so easy to equate humility with low self esteem (which -- o trust me -- I have plenty of) but as Lewis noted, it is not the case. I was praying after Mass and I noticed how much I was saying "I" or "me". I don't know about you, but when I go to Mass or to pray I often just am throwing myself down trying to gain life; like I am solar powered and He is the sun :P Anyway, this was the fourth day in a row of heightened depressed/suicidal thoughts and I was just so tired. I was venting, complaining, questioning, just trying to find Him and so the will to live, but He pushed me and taught me a new lesson about humility. I realized I was rambling off "I am just so tired.. so lost.. I don't know what to do.. I, I, I..." I stopped myself. "No" I thought "YOU. You are glorious, You are all-powerful, You are pure goodness." What better way to bring light to my mood than to change my focus from me and my brokenness to Him and His glory. By focusing on Him I am lifted, my mind is raised to focus on Someone higher, greater, astounding. 
This also applies to something else that has plagued me for my entire life: envy and jealousy. I am really trying to praise Him instead of bashing myself. That person over there is brilliant and beautiful? Thank You! That person is reflecting You. Why do I have to bring myself into it? I need to focus on You, not me.
On a random end note, trial is such a beautiful thing. I am so happy, so grateful, that He has given me challenges and struggles. Dry prayer, for example, has pushed me to pray even when I feel absolutely empty and so find Him in my reason, not just my feelings. Depressed/suicidal thoughts makes me really deeply question life, its purpose, my purpose, and the reason for staying alive. Life is hard, life is crazy, but in the end it is all worth it. He will remain victorious, pain will pass, only perfection will reign and the battle will be soon forgotten.

merge?

Hello there!
I'm just leaving a link to a post I just wrote on my other blog! I'm thinking I might merge the two of these soon -- the personal and the spiritual. Hmmm... we shall see.
God bless!
:)

On Latin Mass

Many of the people I know hate going to Latin Mass. Fair enough. Here are just a short list of reasons why I love it:
1.) It makes me slow down and reminds me of all that is due to my God by the repeated incensing and careful external signs of respect and love. I know I can often get caught up in counting down the minutes, or having a mental check list of the parts of the Mass; but the slow, reverent pace of the Latin Mass helps me get lost and forget time entirely. 
2.) INCENSE. Dude, that smell tho...
3.) It is not busy. There is constant time for me to just sit silently absorbing the beauty around me. It has a slow, mediative quality that strikes calm to the core of my heart.
4.) The music is often more intricate. Many harmonies and mixing rhythms cascade together into one gorgeous call towards God. 

But with that said, to each his own. I believe God calls each person to Him uniquely. One method of worship is going to appeal to one person over another. People will argue forever over one external sign of worship being higher or greater than another but at the end of the day, the most important part is the internal aspect of worship -- the heart, the soul, the core of a person in communication with God. 

cry of recognition

Productivity is one of the best home remedies for depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts... at least for me. Therefore, I edit photos =)

recent awesome little things :)

Checking my mail on a bad day and found a letter from a wonderful friend back home.

My friend showing up to the 10am class we have together with a big cookie to split.

Actually getting homework done and not being a slacker :P

Fun, perfectly witty text conversations with a friend from high school.

Sunshine and weather above -5.

Sore muscles from a good work out. 

Just generally feeling more alive and hopeful.

Your storm will pass. Your heart will pound again and you will be alive.

breathe warmth

The first fresh sent of spring air scurries between snowflakes, brings joy, renewal, and hope. 
You breathe warmth in the midst of a cold, dead winter, intone the song of sparrows perched on freshly thawed branches, and urge the little violet to bravely show her head above the ground, contrasting the white. And Mary, sweet Mary, you tend with gentle force these frigid hearts. You tend, sweet Mother, to this frosted garden and make it beautiful for our Beloved guest.

cliche

After a friend told me about three awful situations he was in I had nothing left to do but offer prayer. I felt so cliche about doing it but his response was beautiful.

Me: I'm praying for you, said the Catholic. But really.

Friend: I appreciate it. I really do.

Me: I'm glad. And the end of the day it's all I really have to offer.

Friend: Prayer is the best the human race has to offer. Reaching to touch the divine nature on someone else's behalf? There's nothing I can think of that is better. Thank you.