fairylands

-- Hilaire Belloc --

shameless promo

Here is just a shameless promo for a post on my other blog. 
:D
It's about resilience and fighting and all that good stuff -- enjoy!

HERE'S MY OPEN HEART.

I was sitting in an academic building trying to study. But I -- the ever distracted -- started reading one of my old journals. The thoughts of my younger self triggered a spiral of sadness, anger, self-pity, the usual. So I got up, left the building, and walked to the Port to pray. Arriving at the Port and finding it locked I went to CTK (the main chapel) to pray. What do I find there? Confession. Confession! The thing I've been trying to do/avoiding for the past....long while. I tried to pull the ol "oh, I didn't know it was there! What confession line? Huh?" and walk right past. But then I mentally slapped myself and slunk into line. I saw the line wasn't too long so I quickly started scribbling away a list of my sins, being as harsh as I could. Soon enough it was my turn and shakily I walked in to the confessional and began. 
After listing a few things the priest stopped me, "You have depression, don't you." "Haha... yes." Was my reply. He started asking me what things I did to cheer myself up. I told him, he approved. I continued with my confession and after starting yet another thing "I don't push myself enough to..." he stopped me again. He told me I need to stop holding myself to such high standards, that I have depression, that "It's not your job to hold yourself together and fix yourself. It's God's." *Cue tears.*
He ended confession with a cute little "Only listen to joyful music! Don't listen to anymore Blues." =) sweetheart. I thanked him, scurried back to a pew, and immediately threw my head down into my arms. *Cue more tears.* The priest was telling me I have to allow God to "fight for me" to "win my battles". This is so, so hard for me. I always feel the need to earn love from everybody and I get so uncomfortable not earning what is given to me. The concept of God saying "Here. Rest. Let me fight for you." crushed my heart and blew my mind. These are things I "know" but always brush off. To have a priest tell me I was being to hard on myself was a huge shock.  I know it's from pride that I "need" to be the strong one who isn't rescued. I know my sin and so can't comprehend being pampered or fought for by the One to whom I already owe so much. I struggle to accept unearned love, but what other kind is there?
I have a cheesy little metaphor. Imagine a guy going into the gym to do some bench presses. Now, this dude thinks he's just the best thing ever, so he brushes off any offer for a spotter. Pridefully he adds more and more weight ever shouting down offers of help from other and eventually -- to make the metaphor complete -- he puts on more weight than he can lift and down comes the weighted bar and crushes him. Big mess, lots of pain, and a pretty stupid way to die. Just so, I get so prideful and desirous of being strong that I add on more, and more, until I simply cannot do it anymore.
My worth is not mine to determine. It is. God is not mine do deem protector, He is. As much as I cringe at saying "You are my protector" it is truth. And all I can do is neglect it to my downfall or accept what is. 

As I write this everything with in my screams "spoiled! spoiled! spoiled brat! You think you can claim to be loved and protected?" God is pure goodness. Pure goodness desires others to delight in it. He wants us to delight in Him. And that requires accepting truths about who He is and His relation to us.

luke 18:1

It's often in my times of neglecting my relationship with Christ that I feel His pull most. As I have mentioned on this blog many times, I have a lot of dry prayer, and I struggle with feeling numb in general. When I'm having a particularly rough, numb day, I'll briskly walk past the chapel on my way back to my dorm room. The quiet nagging in my head and heart tells me that I really should go to Him but No, I can't begin to open my heart to anybody right now I'll rebuff. I say I don't care about myself enough to do the one thing I know will help me. I say He doesn't need me, it's for my betterment, so I won't do it. Later. Whatever. But as I lay in bed having neglected my night prayers I am scared -- I know I am in no condition to die right now.

       Today was the peak of a particularly irritating week. All day long I couldn't wait to just slink back to my room, curl up in my bed, and sleep. I had to stay awake for room checks so I opened the window and pushed back the curtains to enjoy the rainy, cool day, pulled up YouTube, drank my coffee, then brewed some green tea.

       Sitting there I realized the pull on my heart to be with Him. To speak with Him. And then I realized again how entirely selfless God's love is. He doesn't need my love or attention for His own benefit, it is all for mine. But in bettering myself I am fulfilling my purpose and glorifying Him. I neglect Him because I lack motivation to take care of myself, but to do so is to be horribly ungrateful for the life He has bestowed. As much as I neglect Him, He comforts me through the little things of tea and rain and pulls at my heart to be with Him. He says "It's okay, come back to Me now." He places the pull on my heart to come back. For me. For Him. For goodness. 

       No matter how frustrating and awful life can get, it is good. There is purpose. It is worth it. God has so much splendor and sweetness in store to those who stay near Him and find their place & purpose in Him. Job, family, money, and the rest will fall into place. And He will never stop pulling at your heart.

Central Park.

This photo was taken in Central park for the blog Humans of New York. 

Absolutely gorgeous.

Imagine if it was socially acceptable for any person of any faith to openly express it in such an unashamed way? Imagine walking though Central Park; a Catholic sitting on a bench praying a rosary, a Muslim bowed in prayer, Christians with hands outstretched praying over people, a Jew with an open, tattered prayer book whispering the prayers under his breath, people sitting criss-cross in the grass meditating, and none of these people the target of a sneering smile or a judgmental glare. People taking advantage of a beautiful setting and exercising their intrinsic human ability so search for (and try to connect to) something higher, something immaterial and eternal. 

Beautiful. 

Recovery Day

What do I mean by "recovery day"? Most often for me it is the day after a day (or more) of binging. It can also be a day after a particularly depressed, unproductive day, or really any day that I don't get things done and need to get back on track. A recovery day is really a day to be nice to yourself -- push yourself to get back on track, yes, but in a self-caring way. 

Tips for a Recovery Day

1.) Forgive yourself: how can you move forward with the weight of yesterday still dragging behind you?

2.) Keep breathing and take it slow: No need to rush. Don't pressure yourself. Think through your decisions, will they make you happy?

3.) Drink lots of water: It will fill you up, flush your system, clear your skin, and make you feel all over healthier.

4.) Drink tea: At least for me, tea makes me slow down and in my mind it's a healthy thing to do, so my other actions follow suit.

5.) Compromise: So your body confused about the lack of sugar thus far after a few days of over dosing? Instead of getting a chocolate chip cookie with your coffee, get a mocha or hot chocolate. 

6.) On that note, don't be too harsh on yourself: You're doing better than yesterday. You're winning. You're getting back in control. It's okay!

6.) Be physical: Go for a walk, do some sit-ups, stretch, do yoga, clean your room, anything to get your body moving. You'll feel better.

7.) Listen to music: It'll keep your mind off things and give you a soundtrack as your go about your day. Awesome.

8.) Accomplish something: Homework assignment, personal goal, or whatever it may be, push yourself to accomplish something.

9.) Don't compare yourself now to your past self: You are where you are and so work from there. Don't beat yourself up and wish you were as you were pre-binge. Relax. You'll get there.

10.) Enjoy something: What do you like? Make sure you do something nice :)

11.) Dress for it: Dress well, put effort into yourself, but be smart. If wearing tight jeans will trigger you all day -- don't do it!

12.) Know it will get better: Push yourself to do a task here, say no to a cookie there, and you will slowly conquer your demons. 

random. humility. envy. trial. tea.

As I sit here after a late night Holy Hour (that felt more like a "holy ten minutes"), sipping on some tea, and playing some relaxing music, I thought I'd just write a little blurb here -- not exactly sure on what yet but I wanted to write so... here it goes!

The other day I was at Mass and I came to a deeper understanding of humility and how to apply it to my life. I'm sure every one is well aware of the C.S Lewis quote "Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." and so was I, but I had never learned to apply it to my life. It is so easy to equate humility with low self esteem (which -- o trust me -- I have plenty of) but as Lewis noted, it is not the case. I was praying after Mass and I noticed how much I was saying "I" or "me". I don't know about you, but when I go to Mass or to pray I often just am throwing myself down trying to gain life; like I am solar powered and He is the sun :P Anyway, this was the fourth day in a row of heightened depressed/suicidal thoughts and I was just so tired. I was venting, complaining, questioning, just trying to find Him and so the will to live, but He pushed me and taught me a new lesson about humility. I realized I was rambling off "I am just so tired.. so lost.. I don't know what to do.. I, I, I..." I stopped myself. "No" I thought "YOU. You are glorious, You are all-powerful, You are pure goodness." What better way to bring light to my mood than to change my focus from me and my brokenness to Him and His glory. By focusing on Him I am lifted, my mind is raised to focus on Someone higher, greater, astounding. 
This also applies to something else that has plagued me for my entire life: envy and jealousy. I am really trying to praise Him instead of bashing myself. That person over there is brilliant and beautiful? Thank You! That person is reflecting You. Why do I have to bring myself into it? I need to focus on You, not me.
On a random end note, trial is such a beautiful thing. I am so happy, so grateful, that He has given me challenges and struggles. Dry prayer, for example, has pushed me to pray even when I feel absolutely empty and so find Him in my reason, not just my feelings. Depressed/suicidal thoughts makes me really deeply question life, its purpose, my purpose, and the reason for staying alive. Life is hard, life is crazy, but in the end it is all worth it. He will remain victorious, pain will pass, only perfection will reign and the battle will be soon forgotten.